Most people know me as a Trauma Therapist, while only a few know me as a Couples Therapist. One of my favourite types of couples work is when it involves attachment and trauma.

I recently saw a relationship post shared on Facebook that made me reflect, because we are so often brainwashed, through books, movies, and now social media, into believing in the idea of happy relationships or happy couples. I really liked the post I saw, as in my opinion, it was the best relationship advice I have ever come across (image attached here of the post). I think modern-day living, especially social media, contributes to unrealistic expectations and, consequently, unhappiness in relationships.

In couples therapy, I often hear people say things like, “If this relationship were right, it wouldn’t be this hard,” or “Other couples don’t struggle like we do.” I genuinely think that this type of belief can set us up for disappointment, especially as it grounded in unrealistic expectations and unrealistic high standards.

Now this is not to say that happy relationships don’t exist. They do, but the important factor is that they don’t just happen, instead they are built. They are built through compromises, through uncomfortable conversations, by working through conflicts, stress, and differences together.

Being single is simple in many ways as it is only your own nervous system you have to deal with, whereas once you are in a relationship, there are two (sometimes dysregulated) nervous systems trying to feel safe and connected together. It is a lot, and yes, sometimes it is messy.

I often gently remind my couple therapy clients when they say “Well I wouldn’t have done that, I would have handled it like XYZ…they didn’t do it like that” :

You are not in a relationship with yourself. Your partner is an entirely separate human being with:

• Their own attachment history

• Their own life experiences (and maybe trauma)

• Their own insecurities

• Their own learned behaviours

• Their own thought and emotional patterns

• Their own coping strategies, incl.

• Their own survival resources that protected them once

Just like you have your own, but different, set of all of those things.

You are two different nervous systems trying to figure out how to feel safe and connected together. Two unique individuals learning how to share a life. Having this as a gentle reminder can be a helpful resource and trusting that partnerships are built slowly, especially when there have been any past trauma (e.g. whether that’s childhood trauma, sexual trauma from a past relationship/abusive relationship. or betrayal trauma in your past or current relationship).

So it is not about finding the perfect person, but instead about learning to love a real person, and for you to be brave enough to let them love the real you, too. I know this can be extra tricky if you or your partner have had a trauma history. So if things feel tough right now, it does not immediately mean that your relationship is failing. The couples who keep choosing each other through the hard stuff, they are the ones who get to enjoy the truly beautiful parts too. That is what I meant earlier when I said happy relationship don’t just happen, but they are made,

I love to use the powerful sculpture called Love by Alexander Milov as a way to explore this with the couples I work with. The sculpture, if you haven’t seen it, represents two large adult figures that sit back-to-back looking disconnected. But inside each adult, the inner form of a child reaching out, which seems to represent their inner child yearning to connect, like they both want to bridge the gap between them.

This image resonates deeply with what happens in relationships such as us, adults, who carries roles, responsibilities, hurts, and defences. Whereas, our inner child, is the part that still wants closeness, safety, and unconditional love, even if past wounds make it hard. I think the way the adult sculptures are positioned is such a great reminder of how two people can live in the same space and still feel separate, although physically together but emotionally apart. Research shows that this happens more now since we are so attached to our phones/devices e.g. world-known couple therapist Esther Perell speaks a lot about this. She argues that devices often foster a sense of modern loneliness and artificial intimacy. She also warns us that this can lead to a feeling of being “half-there” in real life and erode deep connection.

Each of the inner child reaching for each other is a powerful reminder of that tug beneath the surface, which we all feel: We want connection, even when our adult selves are tangled in fear, frustration, anger and old patterns.

Using Milov’s sculpture as a metaphor can be such a wonderful way to explore couple dynamics with clients, and facilitate them to see how in the day-to-day of a relationship, we often forget the inner child part, which is the part that wants to be seen, held and understood. It can help couples remember that the love they are striving for is not just between the two adults in the room, but also between the deeper and more vulnerable parts of each other. In trauma work, we go one step further and explore this from a somatic lens as well e.g. how two dysregulated nervous systems can work toward regulation and co-regulation. This will result in de-escalation of conflicts. Ultimately, the healthiest relationships are not just about two functioning adults; they are about two inner children who finally feel safe enough to reach out and be met, and two dysregulated nervous systems calming down together.

Reflection Prompts

Finally, if you wish you could use these reflection prompts for yourself if you are in a relationship, or if you are a couple therapist, you can practise them with your clients as a guided exercise, which they can use on their own as a home practice:

Find a calm moment together with no distractions, no phones. Sit facing each other or side-by-side, or whatever feels safest.

Take turns answering these prompts:

• When I pull away or shut down, what is the inner child in me trying to protect? (e.g. I get quiet because I am scared of saying the wrong thing and not being loved.)

• What does my inner child actually need from you in those moments? (e.g. I need you to stay close and reassure me that we are ok)

• What helps me feel safe enough to turn toward you again? (e.g. Hearing you say you want to understand me.)

If it feels ok, you can also add:

• One small thing I can do to reach for you…and one small thing you can do to reach for me.

Keep it simple and doable, as small manageable goals are important.

© Sharmi under Stepping Stones Psychology – All Rights Reserved 2025