My reasons for writing this blog

Like me, you have probably also heard about the recent Brooklyn versus Beckham situation. As a therapist who works mainly with clients who have experienced trauma, whether that is childhood trauma from toxic or controlling parents, or trauma as an adult in abusive or coercive relationships, it is not an issue I could easily ignore.

I have spent the past few days reflecting on it, not from a celebrity gossip standpoint, but because it touches on the very dynamics I work with every day, such as coercive control, enmeshed or toxic parental relationships, and the difficult decisions that sometimes lead to estrangement.

One thing that really stood out to me and saddened me was around the importance of (well, lack of) believing victims, even when it is uncomfortable or when the person speaking up challenges our assumptions about privilege, fame or wealth. Trauma, coercion, and emotional abuse don’t discriminate based on public image, and speaking up about abuse or toxic dynamics often takes immense courage. This is especially the case when others may minimise, dismiss, or question the experience one has encountered, simply because it doesn’t fit the story they want to believe.

I do strongly believe that recognising this bias is part of understanding how control and family systems shape relationships, which is exactly what I want to explore in this blog. This is important to me for two reasons; one being that I want to use my platform to advocate for people who have been mistreated or misunderstood and may not have a voice. The other being that I hope to educate and offer insight to those who, directly or indirectly, engage in judgment, criticism, or misunderstanding of others.

Controlling behaviour and Enmeshment

One important thing to realise is that estrangement rarely comes from a single fight, but instead most often, grows from long-term patterns in toxic family dynamics, where there have been rigid roles, control, and unmet emotional needs. Research shows that estrangement is surprisingly common, with first estrangement often happening in early adulthood, or usually around major life transitions like careers or serious relationships. One thing which was clear is that estranged relationships rarely end abruptly, but often gradually change over time.

Control is also not always obvious, as it can be subtle, disguised as concern, advice, or helping, so that can also be confusing in terms of boundary-setting. Yet the subtle controlling behaviour becomes harmful when it consistently overrides your autonomy, dismisses your feelings, or punishes you for asserting boundaries. Research on families shows that when change feels threatening, families often respond by trying to control things more instead of becoming more flexible. Over time, this can create ongoing stress and make people feel emotionally trapped. If nothing changes, this pressure can eventually lead to estrangement, such as emotional distance or complete cut-off by the adult child.

Some parents may show behaviours that reflect narcissistic patterns, now it doesn’t necessarily have to be as a diagnosis, but in how they relate to others. These can include behaviours where they need constant admiration or loyalty, they might struggle with accountability and perceiving one’s independence or disagreement as betrayal. These patterns often start to happen way before the estrangement, especially when you begin to grow, make your own choices, or form relationships that challenge how the family has always worked.

One aspect of this is what is called enmeshment, and this happens when emotional boundaries are blurred, and a child’s emotional life becomes entangled with a parent’s. Sadly, this doesn’t just happen in childhood, but it starts in childhood and the pattern often carries on into adulthood. You might recognise this if you often felt responsible for how a parent felt, or if keeping others happy felt necessary just to cope. You may have made choices based more on fear than on what you truly wanted. so basically by supressing your own needs and wishes. When this kind of closeness continues into adulthood, creating some distance can be the only way to feel emotionally safe again and to have your own independence and autonomy.

Eldest child and the weight they carry

In many families, the eldest child often carries more pressure and responsibility than others, and this isn’t just accidental. Research on family dynamics and birth order shows that firstborn children are more likely to be given higher expectations, more responsibility, and less room to make mistakes.

As Dr Gabor Maté puts it, none of the siblings has the same parents. Even in the same household, no two children have the same childhood. Parents change over time. Their stress levels change, their confidence, emotional capacity, and beliefs shift. The parent a first child meets is not the same parent a younger sibling experiences later on. Each child’s temperament can also affect a parent differently, depending on what it triggers emotionally within the parent.

So when parents first enter parenthood, they are often anxious, inexperienced, and still relying on their own upbringing, beliefs, and survival strategies. Because of this, early parenting tends to be more rigid and more focused on structure, behaviour, and holding things together, leading to the pressure the eldest child feels often comes from this place. As a result, the eldest child frequently becomes the example, the one expected to cope better, behave well, and carry the family’s values or image. This is rarely done with bad intentions, but instead usually comes from parents doing the best they can with the tools they have at the time.

As more children arrive, the family system forms. Each child takes on a role that helps the system function. Over time, parents may soften, learn, and adapt, meaning younger children often experience more flexibility, but at the same time, the eldest has already grown into the role of holding things together. So when that eldest child later tries to set boundaries, become more independent, or live differently, it can feel threatening to the family. From a family systems perspective, they aren’t just changing, but they are challenging the structure the family was built on. This is why individuation can be experienced as betrayal, and why distance can become necessary and this is also why estrangement so often becomes more visible when adult children form serious romantic relationships.

Partners are not causing the estrangement

Many adult children experience estrangement more when forming a serious romantic partnership. There are a number of reasons for this, but according to research some of the main ones are that when a new partner comes in, it can sometimes highlight old family issues or change how emotions are shared, which can feel upsetting or threatening for families used to being in control or relying on certain patterns. Research confirms that estrangement often follows life transitions, but partners themselves rarely cause the estrangement, but instead they simply reveal unresolved dynamics when you are in a healthy couple relationship.

Attachment and Estrangement

Most people do not become estranged impulsively, and it is not a decision that is often taken lightly. From an attachment perspective, wanting a relationship with your parent, even one who has been controlling, enmeshed, or harmful, is completely normal. Our early bonds shape our sense of safety and connection, and it is natural to hope for closeness, understanding or repair. So estrangement usually only happens after repeated experiences of boundary violations, dismissal/minimising, emotional harm, or ongoing invalidation etc have taken place. In other words, it finally happens when maintaining the relationship consistently undermines your own well-being. Choosing distance is often a painful, but necessary step to protect yourself, not because you want to punish, or you stopped caring, but because your need for emotional safety must come first.

Having worked as a Specialist Trauma and Attachment therapist, one thing that is always very clear to me, is that even in estrangement, there is a desire for connection and sometimes missing the parent while also recognising the harm. All of this is actually a common, healthy emotional response. Research on adult parent–child estrangement highlights that this mix of attachment-based desire versus self-protective distance is both expected and normal. However, I understand and appreciate how this could be confusing, and at its worse, feel shameful.

Reflections

If any of this resonated with you, I just want to remind you that you are not weak or selfish, but instead might have been someone who tried really hard to love without losing your own identity, and tried to set boundaries that were met with resistance, and finally chose distance because contact came at too high a cost. That just shows you are human and you are doing your absolute best to prioritise your own mental health and emotional wellbeing, especially in families where emotional safety has been compromised.

Some gentle reflective questions I use with clients when exploring this topic, especially when they feel confused, guilty, or ashamed of their decisions, include: What did closeness cost me emotionally? How were my boundaries received? Did I feel safe expressing my needs and perspective? Again, how was this received when I did? And what parts of myself did I reclaim by stepping back? These questions are not about putting blame, on yourself or on your family, but they can help you gain clarity and increase self-awareness.

I hope reading this post has helped you to understand that estrangement doesn’t mean failure, being selfish or having an entitled behaviour, but instead that it often signals that protecting one’s mental health and emotional well-being required having distance.

References

• Agllias, K. (2016). Adult children’s reasons for estrangement. Australian Social Work, 69(1), 92–104.
• Bowen, M. (1978). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice. Jason Aronson.
• Farrnet, Missouri. (2023). Mother–adult child estrangement patterns and role transitions. Retrieved from
• https://farrnet.missouri.edu/recent-findings/mother-adult-child-estrangement-patterns-and-role-transitions
• Minuchin, S. (1974). Families and Family Therapy. Harvard University Press.
• Salmon, C. A. (2003). Birth order and relationships: Family, friends, and sexual partners. Human Nature, 14(1), 73–88.
• Scharp, K. M., & Thomas, L. J. (2016). Meaning-making in parent–child estrangement. Journal of Family Communication, 16(1), 32–50.
• ScienceDaily. (2022). Many adult children are estranged from parents. Retrieved from
• https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2022/12/221215104549.htm
• Whiteman, S. D., McHale, S. M., & Crouter, A. C. (2011). Family relationships from adolescence to early adulthood: Changes in the family system following firstborns’ leaving home. Journal of Family Psychology, 25(3), 386–396.

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