According to the message in this image by Nicole LePera (The Holistic Psychologist), all parents traumatise their children. Although it does have some element of truth in it based on psychological theories and evidence, I would say there are also sweeping overstatements because of the language used such as all, every and always.

I do think it can be helpful to distinguish between trauma, harm and everyday relational misattunement, as not every painful childhood experience meets the threshold for trauma, even though all of it can still matter developmentally.

Without this distinguishment, the issue then is that it can blur the difference between normal imperfection versus actual trauma, which I believe can be dangerous as it can make people assume trauma is inevitable in families, which is not supported by evidence, and also it can unintentionally normalise dysfunction instead of helping people recognise unhealthy patterns that could be worked on. This is consistent with attachment theory and developmental psychology, which show that early relationships shape internal working models, but also that these patterns are probability-driven rather than 100% certain.

Saying that, one of the areas of trauma work I am most passionate about is working with parents who have experienced trauma or are navigating CPTSD, so I have had the privilege and honour of hearing firsthand about the impact of their past trauma on their parenting.

What we know from theories and evidence in psychology is that humans inevitably impact each other in imperfect ways, especially in close relationships. Some of these impacts can be painful or even traumatic, but not all families or caregivers cause trauma. Instead healing comes from awareness, accountability and repair when harm does occur. So I would say a more accurate framing might be that all parents inevitably shape their children, sometimes in ways that are painful, but not all impact is traumatic, and not all outcomes are harmful.

I like Dan Siegel’s work in The Whole-Brain Child and Parenting from the Inside Out, where he talks about how most people carry emotional patterns from childhood shaped by moments of misattunement, stress or unmet needs. These aren’t all trauma in a clinical sense, but they can still influence sensitivity, attachment style and behaviour in adulthood. So none of us are immune to the impact of the parenting we received, and no parent is perfect. As human beings, it is inevitable that we will have moments as parents where we end up hurting our child, but like it says in the image, the aim isn’t perfection, but to be humble enough to acknowledge we were in the wrong, apologise, repair and continue working on ourselves so we can do better.

If we move away from perfection as the standard and toward repair as the goal, we create more realistic and compassionate models of parenting, and ultimately healthier relationships across generations, including breaking the cycle of generational trauma.

I also appreciate Pete Walker’s compassionate, yet balanced, perspective on this topic. According to him many parents are doing their best, but often from a place of their own unresolved wounds. Parents who are neglectful, emotionally unavailable or inconsistent are frequently acting out of past trauma and may lack the emotional skills needed to provide safety, attunement and consistent nurturing care.

At the same time, he does not minimise the impact of these experiences. A key principle in his work is that impact matters more than intent, so he makes it clear that even when harm is unintentional, the effects on the child are real and significant. Trauma responses, such as dissociation, anxiety, or people-pleasing, can develop even in families where there is no overt abuse, but where there is chronic emotional misattunement.

In his work on Complex PTSD, Walker describes how growing up with emotionally struggling caregivers can contribute to patterns such as a harsh inner critic, emotional flashbacks and difficulties with boundaries and self-worth.

A core message in his approach is the idea that understanding is not the same as excusing. He encourages clients to have compassion for their parents’ limitations while still fully acknowledging their own pain. It is possible to recognise that they were traumatised too while also holding onto the truth that you as the client was hurt. I often explore this balance with clients such as your parents may not have had the capacity to meet your needs, but that does not make your wounds any less real, and your healing is still important. I explain this to clients as holding two opposites and it can be a powerful technique of self-compassion and empathy towards yourself.

Finally, post-traumatic growth or healing often involves a process of re-parenting yourself, which is learning to provide what you may have been missing earlier in life, including self-compassion, emotional regulation, healthy boundaries and a sense of inner safety.

If you are interested in Pete Walker’s book for clients, I can strongly recommend the one called CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. Try to read little bit at a time at your own pace and check in with yourself, as the book can be very triggering for some people.

For therapists/helpers, I can recommend Pete Walker’s latest book called Holistically Treating Complex PTSD.

~ Sharmi
©Sharmi under Stepping Stones Psychology – All Rights Reserved 2026